


Winging It: Soap Suds

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-29
Updated: 2009-10-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 22:49:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14799467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: In this third installment of Winging It, JOSH: is catapultedinto the horrors of a new, foreign White House: Season five.  Written in response to a soap opera cliché challenge.





	Winging It: Soap Suds

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Winging It: Soap Suds**

**by:** Jess 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Category(s):** Parody  
**Rating:** YTEEN  
**Summary:** In this third installment of Winging It, JOSH: is catapulted into the horrors of a new, foreign White House: Season five. Written in response to a soap opera cliché challenge.  
**Written:** 2006-01-01  
**Author's Note:** Well, it's been ridiculously late in coming, but I've finally got episode three finished! This was actually born out of a soap opera cliché challenge on LiveJournal, which basically required that the author write a story involving at least one soapy cliché from a provided list. I just threw in as many as I could think of. ;) 

Episode Three: Soap Suds 

_We fade in on a close-up of Josh's sleeping face, lined with consternation; it is clear that he is having a very troubling dream. Images of the previous two episodes flash across the screen: Amy melting into an acidic blob, Mary Sue beaming perfectly, not-Molly and Huck wreaking havoc on Toby's office, the assistants wailing primitive war cries, Joe walking out of the women's restroom..._

_Suddenly, JOSH's eyes snap open, and he raises his head in sudden panic, before being restrained by calming hands._

DONNA: JOSH ! JOSH, calm down. 

JOSH: DONNA ? 

DONNA: That must have been one hell of a nightmare you were having. You were thrashing around all over the place. 

_JOSH: sits up, to find that he has been slumped over his desk, in his office. DONNA is standing beside him, looking anxious._

JOSH: (weakly) Nightmare? 

DONNA: JOSH? Are you okay? 

JOSH: (shakes his head) I'm great. (laughs) It was all a dream. I thought... (his voice fades out, but he continues off DONNA's inquisitive look) You died, only not, but then all the assistants were trying to kill my girlfriend, Mary-Sue. And Steve Irwin beat SAM in the California 47th, and some terrorists threatened to release Amy on us, and they did but she melted... (he laughs again, realizing how ridiculous this all sounds in the daylight) Anyway. It was just a dream. 

_Shrugging her off, JOSH walks out into the bullpen, only to pause, confused, as he finds himself entering almost pitch darkness. As he opens his mouth to question this, DONNA appears at his side and slaps a flaming torch into his hand with a long-suffering expression. Another look around the bullpen shows JOSH similar torches burning slowly in brackets along the walls, and he turns in query to his assistant, but she has already wandered off someplace, and in her stead is a young man._

JOSH: Oh, God. (raises his voice) DONNA , one of the interns has escaped again! 

DONNA: (returning) What? 

JOSH: One of the interns got out again. Look! 

DONNA follows his gaze to the young man. 

DONNA: ...that's Ryan. 

_The young man nods in agreement; yes, it is he._

JOSH: (nonplussed) Okay. Can you, just... do something with it? Please? 

RYAN: I work here! 

_JOSH turns to stare at Ryan in surprise._

JOSH: (sideways to DONNA ) It can understand us? 

DONNA: (sigh) JOSH, interns are human beings, just like us. 

JOSH: ...okay. (he continues to look at Ryan oddly) Right, uh. (grabs a file from DONNA and throws it) Fetch? 

_As Ryan trumps off to retrieve the file, and DONNA departs to do things (things, we can assume, with paper), JOSH turns to leave also, only to find himself face-to-face - yet again - with another unexpected figure._

JOSH: SAM ? 

SAM: (sigh) Oh, great, not that guy again. (glancing over his shoulder) I swear to God, he's been following me around all day, but you know the weird thing, I haven't seen him once. 

JOSH: SAM , what the hell? 

SAM: (shrugs helplessly) I don't know! I don't even know who he is, but he's hasn't cut it out since I arrived here. 

JOSH: Okay, this is weird. 

SAM: Tell me about it! I mean, what have I done to him, this 'SAM ' person? I don't know! And yet, here he is, this random person... 

_JOSH grabs SAM by the shoulders._

JOSH: SAM is you! Your name is SAM ! 

SAM: Hey, really? Because that has got to be some coincidence. That guy who keeps following me, his name is SAM, too. 

JOSH: What is wrong with you? 

_CJ has entered the scene and, upon seeing JOSH struggling with SAM, intervenes._

CJ: Don't even bother with him. I think he's hit his head or something. (she makes a twirling motion beside her ear) Can't remember a thing. 

JOSH: How long has he been this way? 

CJ: Oh, a couple of months, I think? JOSH: (horrified) Hasn't anybody done anything to help? 

CJ: Well, WILL used to leave out some scrap for him at night... 

JOSH: Hey, come to think of it, where is WILL? 

CJ: What do you mean? He went to work for the Vice President, you know that. 

JOSH: (frowns) It's like he dropped off the face of the earth or something. 

_EXT: A small, uncharted desert island. WILL is standing nearby the smoking wreckage of an airplane, glaring through cracked glasses and shaking a fist._

WILL: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! 

_INT: Communications Bullpen._

JOSH: Wait a minute - if WILL's working for the Vice President, who's working with Toby? 

CJ: Toby's working with Toby. 

JOSH: He hasn't hired a deputy? 

CJ: Toby worked fine without a deputy communications director after SAM left. 

JOSH: No, he didn't, it nearly killed him. And SAM's right over there. 

CJ and JOSH turn to look at SAM, who is talking to a potted plant. 

SAM: So… How long have you been working around here? 

CJ and JOSH slowly look away. 

JOSH: When did WILL go jump ship, anyway? 

CJ: (looks at JOSH ) Are you sure you're feeling all right? 

JOSH: I'm fine. 

_CJ wanders off, with one final, curious gaze in Josh's direction. JOSH raises his torch, trying to see through the darkness. In doing so, he catches sight of another familiar face._

JOSH: (relieved) Hey, Mary Sue! 

MARY SUE: (frowns) Oh, way to make a girl feel noticed, JOSH. My name's Marina. 

_Pull off on Josh's baffled expression._

_INT: CJ's office. CJ is typing at her computer as Toby enters._

TOBY: Hey, CJ . 

_CJ starts and hurriedly hides what she was doing._

CJ: Toby! Uh. Hi. 

Toby raises an eyebrow. 

CJ: Just… you know… chatting with my boyfriend. (laughs nervously) As one does. Yes. 

TOBY: Which one? 

CJ: Why are you so interested? 

TOBY: Why are you so secretive? 

CJ: Secretive? Who's secretive? I'm not secretive. Open book, that's me... What are you doing? 

_CJ gasps as Toby reaches forward gently and pulls the monitor away from her so that he can see what is on the screen._

TOBY: (shakes his head) Oh, CJ. 

_EXT: Desert Island. WILL, Bingo Bob, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren and CASSIE look appropriately battered as they stare up at the plane wreckage._

LAUREN SHELBY: We're stranded! 

WILL: We know. 

LAUREN CHEN: How could a simple plane trip to California go so horribly wrong? 

CASSIE: If only the Vice President hadn't insisted on taking the scenic route! 

_Bingo Bob grumbles under his breath._

LAUREN ROMANO: If only the pilot wasn't an identical twin, switched minutes before boarding with his evil, scheming brother! 

LAUREN CHEN: If only the plane hadn't caught fire, and WILL hadn't been forced to seize control at the last minute, taking us down to relative safety! 

WILL: Why are you all talking like this? 

CASSIE: Hey, we're just trying to set the scene. 

WILL: Okay, okay, consider it set. 

CASSIE: I meant for the audience. 

BINGO BOB: There are people watching? Seriously? 

_The others groan._

LAUREN SHELBY: Now you've done it. 

_Bingo Bob beams. O, cursed alliteration! WILL and the Laurens-plus-one start to back away._

_INT: Outside the Oval Office. JOSH is chasing after SAM ._

JOSH: SAM! SAM! Listen to me, something seriously weird is going on here! 

SAM: SAM ? Oh god, you mean he's still there? Damn it, I don't know how to get rid of this guy! What do I have to do? 

_President Bartlet enters dressed in a suit, complete with the waistcoat he's inexplicably begun to favor._

SAM: OH MY GOD, IT'S PROFESSOR PLUM! 

BARTLET: (stops, looking from SAM , to JOSH ) ...I'm going inside now. 

_INT: The Oval Office. LEO is waiting as Bartlet approaches._

BARTLET:LEO ! 

LEO turns, bringing us into a- 

[ _FLASHBACK: 3857834823 BC, Snucky's Diner._

BARTLET: [VO] What the hell is going on?! 

LEO: [VO] It's just a flashback, sir. Don't worry, they've been happening all day. It'll be over in a minute or two. 

_A young man enters the diner. There's something about him that we can recognize... Perhaps the look in the eyes, perhaps the face or the way he approaches the counter, or maybe the large "HELLO MY NAME IS LEO THOMAS MCGARRY" sticker he is wearing across his forehead - that immediately connects him to the White House Chief of Staff._

BARTLET: [VO] That's not supposed to be you, is it? 

LEO: [VO] Well, Mr. President- 

BARTLET: [VO] (laughs) LEO , in your life, you have never looked that young, if you were even around back then. 

LEO: [VO] Thank you, Mr. President. 

BARTLET: [VO] I mean it. That guy must be about twenty-five! 

LEO: [VO] I imagine so, sir. 

YOUNG LEO: (angsts) 

BARTLET: [VO] ... That wasn't me, was it? 

LEO: [VO] Don't worry, sir, he doesn't even know we're here. 

YOUNG LEO: OH, DON'T I?! 

_Jed and LEO: (snr) jump._

YOUNG LEO: Well, I'll show YOU, Mister BARTLET. 

BARTLET:[VO] LEO ...?! 

_The camera pans out and another figure is revealed to be standing in the room, working behind the counter._

BARTLET:[VO] Dad?! What the hell kind of screwed up flashback is this? 

BARTLET SNR: I'd like to see you TRY, McGarry. (to customer) Thank you for choosing Snucky's. One moment, please. (to LEO: ) YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS! 

_Young LEO draws a gun and shoots Bartlet snr._ _END FLASHBACK_ ] 

BARTLET: (stares at LEO: ) You... killed my father? 

LEO: (shakes his head) No, sir... I AM your father. 

Pause. 

BARTLET: LEO, the sheer magnitude of the wrongness of that statement- 

LEO: I know. 

BARTLET: I mean, seriously- 

LEO: I'm sorry, sir, but you throw a guy a line like that, he's got nowhere to go... 

BARTLET: Yeah. 

There is a short silence. 

BARTLET: ...come to think of it, I'm pretty sure my dad wasn't around back then, either. 

_INT: CJ's office. CJ and Toby are facing each other across CJ 's desk._

TOBY: How long? 

CJ: That is none of your business. 

TOBY This is the White House, CJ, everything that goes on here is my damn business! Now, you're gonna tell me: How long? 

CJ: (hesitates) Not long. A few weeks... Months... Five, six... 

TOBY: Oh, God. 

CJ: Hey, I've got it under control. 

TOBY: You have. 

CJ: (nods, a little too emphatically) Uh-huh. 

TOBY: So, if I was to... 

_He reaches out towards her laptop; in a moment of utter panic, CJ: grabs his wrist, stopping him. Both freeze, staring down at her hand a moment, then Toby looks up, catching her eye seriously._

TOBY: CJ ... 

CJ returns his gaze, eyes brimming with moisture. 

CJ: I don't know what's gotten into me, Toby. I mean, at first there was Zoey's kidnapping and I... It was just supposed to be that once, you know. I just needed to be sure that everything would turn out all right. And then one thing led to another... Walken, and then JOSH, then WILL... I just couldn't take it!! I needed to know... I needed to be ready... and all of a sudden I found I just couldn't stop... 

_A tear rolls down her cheek. Toby squeezes her hand._

_EXT: Desert island, night_. 

BINGO BOB (pulls a scrap of paper out of a charred and disshapen hat, glances at it, then displays it to the group): WILL . 

WILL sighs. 

BINGO BOB: LAUREN SHELBY . 

LAUREN SHELBY: (eyes WILL accusingly) That's your handwriting! 

WILL: (quickly) No it isn't. 

LAUREN SHELBY: It is! I can tell by the way you dot your 'i's and cross your 't's. 

WILL: There aren't any 'i's or 't's in "LAUREN SHELBY "! 

BINGO BOB: If we can just wait until council adjourns? 

_There is much sighing and muttering._

BINGO BOB: And finally (glances at the last vote) Uh... "Lauren #2"? 

LAUREN ROMANO: That's me. 

LAUREN CHEN: I thought it was me? 

CASSIE: No, you got demoted after the fishing incident, remember? 

LAUREN CHEN: Yeah, but I thought I got demoted to number two. 

LAUREN SHELBY: No, she's right, Romano's number two. 

BINGO BOB: All right, all right, all right. Back over here. 

_Everyone looks back at Bingo Bob._

BINGO BOB: With three votes - Lauren Romano... the tribe has spoken. 

_Lauren Romano walks away from the fire, looking mutinous._

BINGO BOB: The rest of you can head back to camp... You've got a long night ahead of you. 

LAUREN ROMANO: (mutters) That's for sure. 

_Everyone begins to stand._

WILL: Can I ask one question, sir? 

BINGO BOB: Shoot. 

WILL: Are we going to do this every time there are dishes that need washing? 

_Lauren Romano walks by in the background, grumpily carrying a pile of dirty plates._

_INT: Operations Bullpen. DONNA is working at her desk. JOSH is standing alongside her, staring through the glass at Ryan the intern._

JOSH: I don't know about that one, DONNA . 

DONNA: (without looking up) JOSH, we are so not having this conversation again. 

JOSH: He's got a mean look... Do you even remember the exact date he started working here? 

DONNA: Yes. 

JOSH: (grabs her shoulders) Oh my God, he's gotten to you!! 

_DONNA calmly pulls his hands down._

DONNA: (patiently) JOSH . Go into your office. 

JOSH: I can't. 

DONNA: Why not? 

JOSH: Sam's in there hiding from himself. 

_He motions to the doorway - DONNA looks over to find it blocked off by what appears to be an antique sofa and a drinks machine. SAM peers over the top of this makeshift fortress and waves, then suddenly glances around suspiciously and dives back out of sight._

_INT: A White House office. Some dozen or so staffers are seated around the table - as the camera pans across we can see among them Margaret, Ron Butterfield, Larry (incredibly, Ed-free), Kenny (almost as shockingly Joey-free), Ainsley and Elsie Snuffin. Finally, we come to rest on a nervous CJ ._

CJ: So, uh... I'm sorry if I fumble this a little. This is my first time at one of these meetings, I- I'm not exactly sure how these things go... 

JEAN-PAUL: Just take your time. 

CJ: (small smile) Thank you. Okay. So. (deep breath) My name is CJ , and I am a spoiler addict. 

ALL: Hello, CJ . 

[ _FLASHBACK: Young LEO sits, angsting, by ye olde layke. A speed boat whizzes past._

BARTLET: [VO] You know, we've been watching you sit there for the past half hour. 

LEO: [VO] I guess I'm caught up in some angsty flashback. 

BARTLET: [VO] A flashback inside a flashback? LEO, this is ridiculous. 

LEO: [VO] You're telling me, sir. 

BARTLET: [VO] You know, this is time I'm supposed to be spending grappling with my health, marriage and family and all the while secretly looking for an opportunity to feel up DONNA . 

LEO: [VO] I thought you were supposed to be busy leading this country, or something along those lines. 

BARTLET: [VO] LEO , this is the White House. Who here gives a damn about politics?] 

_EXT: The island. WILL and the Laurens-Plus-One are standing on stumps set off the shore, teeth chattering._

BINGO BOB: The rules to this challenge are as follows: You must not leave your place, you must not move from your place. The last person to contract hypothermia WILL be declared the winner. 

_The contestants exchange mutinous looks._

_INT: White House, Operations Bullpen. A grandfather clock has been added to the fortress and SAM peeks suspiciously through the gaps, his face covered in warpaint. Ryan the Intern lurks in the dark corners (of which there are many, due to the sudden lighting reduction) while Mary Sue... Sorry, Marina, flounces about in a temper. As Toby approaches, JOSH shakes his head, sighing._

JOSH: I swear to God, sometimes it seems like DONNA 's the only sane person in this place... If she wasn't here, you know, I'd probably have gone crazy with the rest of them. 

Toby stares at him, horrified. 

TOBY: JOSH ... 

JOSH: What? 

TOBY: I know this is... Look, I want you to know, we all... understand. She means a lot to you. 

JOSH: (nonplussed) Uh, thanks? 

TOBY: What I'm saying is, you don't have to... You should be at the hospital right now. 

JOSH: The hospital? 

TOBY: With DONNA. 

JOSH: (blinks at him for a moment or two, then smiles grimly) Oh-ho... I see what this is. This is like that thing in my dream, where you all say DONNA 's dead just to get the angst going, and then the next day she walks in the door like nothing's happened because nothing did happen and I look like an idiot. Well, guess what? I'm not falling for it this time. 

TOBY (stares) JOSH, DONNA's dying. 

JOSH: Yeah, Toby, you just keep on saying that. Honest to God, you people are sick. 

Toby sighs, walks across to the TV and turns up the volume. 

TV: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!one!!!one!!!!1 Best. Episode. EVAR!!!!! Fitz got killed in the explosion and OMG, I cried. SO. HARD. 'Cuz I thought Fitz and Ron Butterfield had real chemistry and now? Their love WILL never be sated. OMG! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Fitz/Mrs. Landingham!!!!! BEST. SHIP. OMG. 

JOSH: What the hell is this? Fangirl News? 

TOBY: Just watch. 

TV: Oh, but I don't care about Fitz any more cuz DONNA got all hurt, OMG LOOK AT HER DYING BLOODIED FACE! SO PRETTY! 

A picture of dying and bloodied DONNA appears on the screen. 

JOSH: OMG... I mean, oh my God. But, if that's DONNA... who's that girl working in my bullpen? 

_OMINOUS MUSIC DUN, DUN, DUN..._

_JOSH and Toby wait._

JOSH: Wasn't that the cue for the startling revelation about the girl in the bullpen? 

TOBY: Maybe you should try saying it again. 

JOSH: Right. (clears throat) I said, if that's DONNA, then who's- 

TV: And just cuz DONNA's so pretty, here's another picture of her with her little-known twin sister, Dana Moss! 

_OMINOUS MUSIC (has a field day)_

SAM: (peeking out from behind his fort) You know, that is a pretty picture. 

[ _FLASHBACK: Young LEO continues to angst by ye olde layke._

LEO: [VO] I spy with my little eye... 

BARTLET: [VO] I was thinking of killing you. 

LEO: [VO] Which one? 

BARTLET: [VO] That's a good point.] 

_INT: White House, Operations Bullpen. Toby and JOSH race up to DONNA's cubicle._

JOSH: Empty! She's already gone! 

TOBY This way! (starts dragging JOSH in a different direction) 

JOSH: Why? Did you see something? 

TOBY No. 

JOSH: Then why- 

TOBY: Quit it, JOSH , you know all these corridors just lead to the SAM e place anyway. 

[ _FLASHBACK: Young LEO angsts some more._

BARTLET & LEO: [VO] Help! 

BARTLET: [VO] Somebody?] 

_INT: The White House, The Oval Office. Dana Moss steals inside in an appropriately evil manner. How she has managed to achieve this remains oddly ambiguous, but it seems to have required a lot of high-tech equipment, grappling hooks, and the wearing of a gratuitously skimpy cat suit. She pulls out an unnecessarily intricate gun._

DANA: (evilly) I have you now, Mr. President... 

_Dana leaps out, ready to shoot, only to find the room empty._

DANA: Well, this is an anti-climax. 

_JOSH, Toby, SAM and CJ burst inside, followed by (as an afterthought) a couple of Secret Service agents. Dana turns, gasping._

JOSH: (stares at her, shaking his head) Why? 

DANA: (shrugs) Seemed like a good idea at the time. 

_Suddenly, a dark-haired woman bursts in through the plate glass window, disposing of the evil Dana with a few overly intricate martial arts moves._

JOSH: (gapes) Amy?! 

"AMY": No! I'm Emilia Gardner, Amy's good t- 

_Suddenly, Amy bursts in through the window. Again._

JOSH: (gapes) Amy?! 

"AMY" #2: NO! I'm Omelia Gardner, Amy's eviller triplet! 

ALL: (GASP) 

OMELIA: There is a bomb under this White House and if you don't give me SEVENTY SQUILLION DOLLARS in TWENTY FOUR HOURS, this place WILL be blown SKY HIGH. 

CJ: But 'squillion' isn't a unit- 

OMELIA: INSOLENCE! 

_Any action is forestalled by the triumphant entrance of President Bartlet._

BARTLET: FINALLY. Get that man away from me; if I have to endure one more flashback today I'm just gonna have to- 

OMELIA: YOU! 

_Omelia raises her gun..._

KATE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

_She dives in front of the President as Omelia fires once, twice..._

...and collapses to the ground as the bullets impact. 

BARTLET: Kate! 

_Promptly forgetting the evil psychopath with the gun, everybody rushes over to Kate._

JOSH: Is she okay? 

CJ: I can't see- 

_Kate sits up dazedly._

KATE: Ohh... 

_She rubs her forehead, dislodging two bullets from her bangs._

TOBY: Her bangs! They stopped the bullets! 

_Everybody promptly bursts into joyous applause._

OMELIA: (disgruntled) Hello? Evil psychopath with a gun here? 

_Nobody hears her, distracted by the bangs of steel._

OMELIA: Humph! You celebrate now, but it is I who WILL have the last laugh when this building explodes in TEN MINUTES. 

_Everybody turns to stare except for SAM, who continues applauding for a minute before disapproving stares send him into embarrassed silence._

TOBY: (to Omelia) You said we had twenty-four hours! 

OMELIA: Well... I changed my mind! So there! (flees through the window) 

CJ: What do we do now? 

JOSH: Quick, everybody! To the JOSH mobile! 

SAM: But, JOSH! You can't drive in just your underwear! 

_JOSH looks down to find he is, indeed wearing nothing but his boxers. He stares around in horror and..._

...wakes up with a start, raising his head in sudden panic before being restrained by comforting hands. 

WOMAN'S VOICE: JOSH! JOSH, calm down. 

JOSH: DONNA ? 

_JOSH glances around blearily..._

MARY SUE: It's okay, JOSH. It was just a dream. 

_ROLL CREDITS_

_Epilogue: The island. We see WILL and the Laurens-Plus-One creeping through the brush. The camp and the plane wreckage can be seen behind them, disappearing into the distance._

WILL: Come on, just a little farther. 

CASSIE: I think I see something! 

_They have reached the crest of a hill now, and peering over they are met with the sight of a small city._

LAUREN SHELBY: Oh my God! 

_The others turn to where LAUREN SHELBY is staring, open-mouthed..._

WILL: Oh my God. 

...A sign, right on the city's edge, reading: 

WELCOME TO HOBART 


End file.
